believe that this Animaniacs episode, written by Nicholas
Hollander and Paul Rugg (both fine human beings), is the
best in existance. The Warner Bros. president (who is extremely
frightened of our face-painted friends) gets Wakko a clown
(a Jerry Lewis clone) for his birthday. During a session
with Dr. Scratchinshiff (the president's shrink), the gift
is mentioned and the Doc says that Wakko has the worst case
of 'clownophobia' he had ever seen.
I'm sure you can guess what happens from here.. song and
dance and balloon cannons to the cranium. Finally after
a number of interactions, the clown is tricked into going
on a spaceship and lands on Mars(I think).. the alien babies
he encounters actually accept him and he enjoys it there.
never seen Animaniacs before, this is a GREAT reason to
Alone Against the Clowns
by Mike Marsh
and all associated characters and themes are copyright,
trademark, etc. of Warner Bros.
been eating cotton candy all day, watching the lions and
elephants and acrobats. The Ringmaster comes out again,
and says something that sends shivers down my spine. Suddenly,
I'm running for my life.
lost in the circus, and clowns are all around me. My large
wooden mallet is the only hope I have. I raise it high above
my head, ready to whap the next clown who comes by. I wish
I hadn't used up all of my anvils and dynamite at the studio
party last night. I love a good food fight.
a sound behind me, and turn in time to see the clown before
he attacks. "Nice little puppy boy! You want I should make
a balloon aminal for you?"
and all that saves me is my reflexes, bringing my faithful
mallet down upon the clown-man's head. "I hurt," he says
as he collapses in a heap on the ground. I relax, but I
know there are many more clowns to splat before I'll be
you are, you little rascal! Wanna smell my pretty flower?"
The voice reminds me of the Lumpy Thing. I turn and swing
at him, almost falling as my mallet goes though thin air.
there! You'd best be careful with that thing, young fella!"
he says. I flatten him with my mallet. It's mine, and I
can do whatever I want with it.
matter how many clowns I whap with my mallet, more keep
coming, like an endless river of spooky-faced demons. Soon
the clown bodies are piled up to my waist.
a lady's voice. "Hello, cute little boy." I turn, doing
my usual greeting for nice ladies. "Hellloooo. . ."
not a nice lady, it's a clown-woman! I'm too tired to lift
my mallet, so I look for somewhere to hide. There's nowhere
to go as the clown-woman comes closer, her gigantic shoes
clop- clopping on the ground, her lapels like the wings
of a blood-sucking bat. Then I see a car past one of the
tents behind her. The parking lot! But how will I get past
the clown-woman? What would Don Knotts do? "Look!" I shout.
"Over there! It's horrible!"
works! She turns her head just long enough for me to reach
into my Wakky-Sakk and pull out -- a cannon! She turns back.
"Hey, I didn't see any -- uh oh."
the smoke clears, I race towards the parking lot. Soon I
see Dr. Scratchansniff's car. In seconds I'm nearly there,
but a figure steps in front of me. "Froinleven!" it says.
Another clown, and I was so close. I'm too tired to do anything
but pant, though.
a whooshing sound as the car door swings open, knocking
the clown-man on his fanny. "C'mon Wakko, we've been waiting
for you for ten minutes," Dot says.
adds Yakko. "What were you doing, challenging an elephant
to an eating contest? "
into the car and shut the door behind me. Relieved, I settle
into the soft cushioning, ready for the ride home.
kidzes, it's time to go home now," Dr. Scratchansniff says.
"If you behave yourselves in ze car I'll buy you all an
ice cream cone, yah?"
the window I see the clown-man pick himself up and wander
around in a daze. He wanders out of sight. As Dr. Scratchansniff
backs the car up, I feel it hit something. Faboo.