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Although I don't have the original "Clown Group Has A Sad Outing At Mall" article, I do know the facts: 17 college students, led by "Baldy the Magnificent,'' went into a Madison, WI mall to practice their 'art' - needless to say, shoppers got annoyed and the clowns got kicked out (I love Madison)... what follows here are two separate articles - one, a direct response to the aforementioned article, and the other a response / rant with the original response in mind. Confusing, I know.. just read on and it should all make sense...


Regarding the article, "Clown group has a sad outing at mall" July 25, certainly the actions of the security guard at West Towne Mall who asked a mob of clowns to leave the premises were understandable, if not laudable.

Clowns aren't pleasant to have around. Dysfunctional adults in ill-fitting clothes and red rubber noses aren't going to find themselves welcome in most places. Anyone who has attended a parade, the circus, or any other unfortunately clown-sanctioned event knows the feeling of trepidation that accompanies the onslaught of an oncoming clown. Slowly waddling by a crowd of terrified children and thoroughly annoyed adults, the loathsome clown always overstays his welcome.

As this right-thinking security guard understands, people should be able to shop at a private mall without attracting the woefully misguided attention of these grease-painted maniacs.

-Samuel P. Huntington, Madison


And now for a few thoughts regarding the above article...

Clowns best left alone

By Phil Giannotti

Setonian A&E Editor

Clowns are evil.

That's the bottom line. I don't think there has ever been an instance where I have felt comfortable around a clown. They are scary and intimidating, and they are always happy. Steve Edwards would echo my sentiment when I say that clowns are just too happy. Nobody is as happy as a clown, nor will they ever be. This is why they are so scary.

It all stems from "Poltergeist," my first bad experience with clowns. That poor little girl got attacked by a crazy, possessed clown. Wasn't that scary? My mom had an Emmitt Kelly clown doll in her room, and for about three years after seeing that movie, I could not sleep comfortably unless the clown was, literally, locked in a closet.

So the clown-as-evil-incarnate idea was planted firmly in my head all the way back in 1983, or whatever year that was. Then came Pennywise. For those of you who are not aware, Pennywise is the clown in Stephen King's novel "It", and his basic function is to hide in the sewers, trick kids into coming over to him, grab them and then eat them. That is terrifying. And the fact that it is being done by a stupid man in a brightly colored outfit, with a giant red nose, only makes it that much more terrifying.

In fact, before I attempt to show instances of non-scary clowns who are disturbing, please allow me to quote one Samuel P.Huntington, of Madison (state not given, possibly because he wrote this from his own personal planet somewhere near Mars).Steven, I mean Samuel, wrote a response to an article called, "Clown group has a sad outing at the mall," a true story about a security guard who ushered a group of clowns out of the mall for harassing shoppers.

"[The security guard's] actions are understandable, if not laudable," writes Samuel. "Clowns aren't pleasant to have around. Dysfunctional adults in ill-fitting clothes and red rubber noses aren't going to find themselves welcome in most places. Anyone who has attended a parade, the circus or any other unfortunately clown-sanctioned event, knows the feeling of trepidation that accompanies the onslaught of an oncoming clown. Slowly waddling by a crowd of terrified children and thoroughly annoyed by adults, the loathsome clown always overstays his welcome."

Samuel has touched on an interesting point in his short passage. Clowns are adults who dress in funny outfits, wear stupid red noses and greasy face paint. This is not normal behavior. And as if this were not bad enough, they have the nerve to give themselves names like Figgy, Fizzo, Ziggy, Slappy and Boffo. Let's be honest here. How many of us would be locked away for a long, long time if we just dressed in a baggy yellowjumpsuit, wore red hair, gave people balloons and asked to be called Stubbo the Clown?

Clowns go to college. There is a school where people attend classes and try to learn how to be a clown. What the hell does this mean? I'm going to college, and hopefully I will do something successful when I get out. These people are going to college, and the most productive thing they will do when they get out is spray someone in the face with a bottle of seltzer.

Is it possible that there are people in Clown College right now dreaming about seeing themselves on top of a fast food franchise? Or on a popular TV show? (Aside from "The Simpsons," the only other series in which a clown played prominently was "The Jeffersons", when Weezie saw the guy in the rabbit suit kill someone on Halloween. Oh, wait. That wasn't a clown. Nevermind.)

And do you know who is 100% responsible for clowns? Mimes. That's right, mimes. Here's a quick, over-opinionated statement. All mimes should be beaten down, preferably with a large wooden stick. Mimes are just plain annoying, because you know they can talk, and they know they can talk, but they just don't.

I hate mimes and I hate clowns. They are horrible, ugly, pathetic creatures that cause only sorrow and misery.

But back to the subject at hand, which is clowns as evil creatures. The main point is, the permanent facial expressions ofa clown represents an unstable mind that cannot act like a normal mind, similar to mine. Thus, they could be considered insane. After all, didn't John Wayne Gacy dress like a clown? Or if you don't like that rationale, consider the clown as a possible victim of multiple personality syndrome. The face says one thing, but the mind is drifting somewhere else.

Seeing as this column is on the same quality level, let's end this with a little chat about "Killer Klowns from Outer Space," a truly rancid movie whose title pretty much says it all. I would just like to say that I have seen "Killer Klowns from Outer Space" more times than any normal human being should. Nextweek: A full page synopsis of Stephen King's "Sleepwalkers", which I have officially seen 17 times on HBO. If anybody knows where I can get some good help, feel free to call.


Run across any great stories or articles on clowns lately? Tell me about it


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